June 18, 2008
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Kids--I take 'em when I can
The other day was Father's day, but I guess I have no standing as a father anymore. I occasionally e-mail my daughter in Japan, but she hasn't responded in over a year. I have't seen her since 1999--the last time I went to Japan--when she was 12 years old. Now she has graduated from a vocational school 専門学校, moved out of the house and is living in Tokyo with her friend, according to her mother. It would be nice to talk to her, but I get the sense that she doesn't want to talk to me, especially ever since I remarried. She may come around, but all I can do is wait and see.
I also have three stepsons, but they were over 18 by the time I married their mother, Musubichan. As you might imagine, they consider me their mother's husband but not their father who died in an accident when they were young. So the bottom line is that I am, for all intents and purposes, a non-dad. Kinda sad, when I think about it.
But I have grandkids--my eldest stepsons three boys. They call me grandpa and according to M, the eldest one, KT, who came for a summer two years ago, refers to me when necessary.
"KT, we're leaving for dinner. Hurry up," his father will say.
"But Grandpa said that I shouldn't go out until I finish studying/cleaning my room, so wait a little."
Or...
"Grandpa says don't leave the light one when you leave the room."
Or...
"Turn off the water when you're brushing your teeth."
I'm not sure if I should be used as a foil against his own father--and they must think I'm really anal--but its nice to think that I have a role to play for somebody. I should also mention that he's Japanese but doesn't call me ojiichan. Thank goodness for small favors. He refers to me by the English term: guranpa. This is definitely more satisfying.
Anyway, this is all neither her nor there. My daughter has her own life and I wish her well. If the day comes when she wants to get together, I will be there with open arms. In the meantime, I have my students. I am not their father, obviously, but they are my children, so to speak. I teach them, advise them, encourage them, and sometimes scold them. But most of all, I feel lucky to have them.
Comments (8)
it's very touching how affectionate you feel about your students! they are lucky to have you!
sounds like you're still a father to me
I am close with my stepfather. He basically changed the way I view men and relationships - in a good way.
I think any positive relationship - with grandchildren or with students - are wonderful and a blessing.
And they are lucky to have you. You seem like such an amazing and wise figure, I hope your daughter comes around.
Japanese movie night tonight at my flat. Home made Okonomiyake and Memories of Matsuko on DVD. Yay!
just passing by!
It's nice that you want to be in your daughter's life and will always be there...some people have some really deadbeat dads - and she is lucky that you are like that!
From the other side of the coin... my parents divorced when I was a fifth grade, and after that my father essentially stopped being a part of my life. He moved away, then moved out of state, then remarried. His new wife sent me an e-mail out of the blue, which surprised me and struck me as being really strange at the time, since I'd had such a bad relationship with my father. I'm sure she had only the best of intentions, though.
We never really talked much after he moved out; I'm horrible at keeping in touch. I was also never very close to my parents -- I'm still not very close to them, I suppose. I've always felt like I should care for them more, or want to talk to them more -- especially in the case of my father.
Well, my father passed away last Valentine's Day. It probably makes me a horrible person, but I didn't feel much regret at not having stayed in touch with him; we hadn't talked for such a long time (since I was 10 or so), so I almost feel like he'd become a stranger.
I'm adopted, not that it should make much of a difference.
In any case, I can't speak for everyone, but I always wondered why my father was never that interested in keeping touch from his side, other than the obligatory printed birthday card. I'm in no position to be offering life advice, but if you can find a way to send your daughter notes (unintrusive, non-prodding notes, of course) to just keep in touch, she may mellow out as she grows older and decide that she wants to re-establish a relationship with you.
Maybe I have more regrets than I suspected.
On a lighter note -- grandpa? Wow. I've always had a much younger mental image of you in my head, despite knowing your age.
Don't worry so much about it, you non-dad! Like you said, you have "hundreds of kids" to look after (and grade their essays and final exams?). And you still have your grandkids.
Though I do wonder how divorced kids feel... someone I know had her parents split up and her dad has been MIA ever since. Not that they were particularly close to begin with... I wonder if she ever wonders about him or if he ever wonders about her...
Anyway, I never really liked Fathers' Day. It always made me feel excluded because everywhere I went, I would see kids buying obligatory gifts for their fathers, and then people would ask me what my plans for Fathers' Day were and I would have to make up a white lie to tell them. That's because I don't feel comfortable telling them that I don't have a father anymore, and haven't had one for the most of my life. (Cancer was what happened about 18 years ago.)
Oddly enough, one of the first things my mom asked me when I came back home from The College Life in San Diego was, "Do you remember what your father looks like? I hope you haven't forgotten him..."
It's kind of hard to forget someone who gave me half of my chromosomes... even if I haven't seen them for 18 years.
I am sure your students feel lucky to have you as a professor. It's definitely refreshing to know that the student-teacher relationship is not dead yet: too many times have I heard teachers complain about their "jobs" when it is supopsed to be so much more than that...
I'm sure one day the clouds will clear up... everyone just needs keep chugging along... nothing can last forever, and I'm glad it does not limit to good things only.
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