March 24, 2004

  • Remembering

    Two years ago today, my mother died. She died of cancer, specifically non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I have never really come to terms with it. At least, it doesn't seem like I have. I stayed with her in the hospital through her last days, talking to her, trying to soothe her fears of reaching the end. And her ultimate death saddened me greatly. But I never cried, I never went through some kind of depression or mourning. And I've never been able to figure this out. Is something wrong with me?

    When she passed, I merely accepted her death as another process of life that we all go through. Our mortality is something we cannot avoid. But still, it bothers me. Why didn't I cry at her funeral? Why didn't I fall into some kind of mournful depression, at least for a few weeks? Is something wrong with me?

    I thought about this virtually everyday for the first year after her death, and off-and-on since. Sometimes for a fleeting few minutes, other times for hours lying in bed. I often find myself attributing my attitude to her first heart attack in 1989. Back then, I was totally unprepared for death. I remember being in the hospital with my siblings, wondering, What the fuck are we going to do if she dies? After two surgeries, I took a leave of absence from school and stayed with her to help her recover--my dad was 77 and in no shape to take care of her. During this time, I had many opportunities to talk with her about about death and it soon became just another topic of conversation. Something that was a part of our lives, something that we couldn't avoid, something we had to accept.

    On special days, like today, or her birthday or Christmas, I will leave an offering to her at a kind of mini-shrine at my house. M will make chirashi-zushi, mom's favorite, and I will leave a glass of wine or sake for her--my mother loved to drink, a pastime we often indulged in together. And I often end up talking to her, or at least to her photos. It's kind of wierd. I never talk to her in my heart in other places. Only when I am looking at her photos. Out loud. She probably thinks I'm wierd, as perhaps you do, too.

    In a way, I guess she is still alive to me. Perhaps, I am mentally unstable because by talking to her as if she were still alive, I seem to refuse to accept that she is dead. Whatever. I will deal with it in my own way, I suppose.

    In any case, in memory of my mother, I would like to relate to you a story that might explain me, or my sense of humor. My friends, my wife, my students often tell me I'm sick, that I am overly sarcastic--to the point of sounding cynical--and have a sense of humor that often seems mean and base. They are right, of course. I hate to point a finger at the dead, but my mother does have to take some of the responsibility, I think.

    I was about 7 years old, and our family, along with my uncle--my mother's younger brother--went to an amusement park in Long Beach, CA. I think we called it Long Beach Pike? Yeah, something like that. I don't remember the name exactly. They had games, a carousel, and a wooden roller coaster. And they had a House of Glass that I just had to try. No one wanted to go in except me and they let me... by myself. I walked in with little trouble. As I went deeper into the maze of glass, my parents became blurier and blurrier as sheet upon sheet of glass separated us. But it was not scary. I easily reached the middle of the maze where there were mirrors bent in all kinds of shapes to distort its reflection. One mirror made me look short and fat, another made me look tall and skinny (I could use one in my house now). The mirrors were amusing, but not as fun as it could have been had I been with someone I knew. Bored, I decided to leave. But I couldn't. Going back through the maze was impossible. Every turn I made, I hit a dead-end. I could seem my parents and uncle urging me to go left or right, but I always hit a glass wall. I was slowly beginning to panic. Can I get out of here? Will someone come and get me? I finally turned a corner and about 30 feet away I saw my mother and uncle clearly in front of me, waving for me to "come on down". I made it! I'm safe! Relieved, I gleefully ran down the glass walkway toward their open arms...

    Splatt!

    I ran right into a glass wall at full speed. I fell backwards on my butt, dazed, wondering what had happened. I propped myself up to look at where my mom and uncle were standing and they were bent over laughing as loud as they please. I'd been had. They had egged me on toward the glass and I fell for it. Ha, ha. Very funny, mom... Grrr, I was ticked. I picked myself up and soon found the exit. I stayed pissed, until they bought me an ice cream cone, the very least they could do since they had had their laugh at my expense.

    *sigh* I'm sure a single experience does not a personality make, but it was one of many in my childhood. And because of them, we all grew up with the ability to laugh in virtually any situation. To see the humor in ways that may seem mean-spirited, but is ultimately harmless--except for a bump or two on the noggin.

    I miss my mom...

Comments (27)

  • THank you for sharing. 

    My GF never cried over the death of her father.  She was 15 yrs old.  He was shot and left paralyzed.  One day he died in the hospital and I remember telling her, "he's now at peace."  But just like you, she couldn't mourned for him and for the longest time, she thought something was wrong with her.  I did too but I never openly admit that until one day my friend passed away.  It was then I realized why.  I was in shock and disbelief.  I didn't want to believe he has passed on and I could not accept it.

    It wasn't until years later that my girlfriend one day cried for her father that passed away (13 years ago). 

    But you said you knew and accepted your mother's death though, I sense you didn't want to let her go.  It may explain the talking to her photos.

    I don't see anything wrong with it.  My grandparents practice ancestor worshipping.  Every New Year they prayer to my great grandparents and talk to them.  Ask for blessings and offers rice wine and fruits (usually oranges).

    Do I think you're strange?  NO. 

    Again, Thank you for sharing your memories of your mother.  Because mothers are very special!!!!

  • Everybody mourns in their own way and it doesn't matter whether tears are shed or not.  You seem healthy in your grief and the proof is that you can look back and see the humor in a situation that some people may still feel bitter about. 

    BTW, being in a band makes you a band nerd but because I was also on the Academic Team, I was an all-around nerd.

  • ‚·‚Ü‚È‚¢B

  • do we really need to cry in order to express our sorrow? 

  • so the O-man made an appearance, eh?  i think you just want the sympathy eprops and comments  *wink*

    "To see the humor in ways that may seem mean-spirited, but is ultimately harmless--except for a bump or two on the noggin."  hehe, anime style

  • I cried for days when I had to give up my dog. But when I broke up with a girl that I was in love with I couldnt shed a tear. Sometimes dudes gotta be strong and I guess we hold it in when we need to. But mabye in the long run it is more hurtful. But whos normal anyway?

  • There's absolutely nothing wrong about not crying, not mourning when someone dies. Death is a totally natural thing, and there are some who become very emotional about it, and some who don't.

    I can remember my reactions to the three most recent deaths in my family...one of them I punched the wall, and the other two I was notified by phone, as I was away from home. A simple "oh." I never once cried.

    The one time I did cry when someone died was when my grandfather died in '96...it was the first death in the family I was old enough to fathom (my mom's mother died when I was three, I had met her maybe twice as she lived in CO). I was in the 6th grade, at an age one would think could understand death...but I just couldn't imagine the death of my grandfather. Jews don't hold open casket funerals, so I had to have my mother open the coffin for me beforehand...it was my only request. Then and there I cried. It was my first encounter with a dead body...and my grandfather's at that. I didn't really miss him at first, but now I miss him terribly, as I hear more and more stories about him. I think I would have been able to appreciate him more if I were older, his sense of humor and such. Agh, I just realized I'm writing too much...I'll cut it short.

    With regards to your mother, she seems like she was a great person. She obviously went through a lot, and was a very strong person from the previous stories you've told. Best of all, she raised an extremely cool person like you, O-Man.

  • so maybe in reality she is gone, but in your heart and head she is alive.  which is why you only talk to her pictures and don't shed a tear.  perhaps its because you know that shes with you always.  just because her body is gone, does not mean that her spirit is.

  • My condolences...

    May she R.I.P....

    Like Masahiro said, the realization of the death or loss of a loved one will hit you all at once...I lost my great grandma and I didn't shed a tear.  Perhaps it was because I hadn't been acquainted with her?  I was too young (12)?  But when my dad had left us I broke down on my 16th birthday.

    Nothing is wrong with you.

  • the realization of death/loss usually doesn't hit me till quite a bit after, months sometimes even years.

  • I know how it feels when you lose someone to a natural cause that you can't really do anything to prevent. I had a friend who died of leukimia when she was 19. You aren't supposed to die at that age... Thats like when you are finally starting out in life...

    Not to make fun of your mother or anything, but when I saw the picture, I thought it was one of those Shinrei shashin because she only had one leg... showing... but then I kinda realized that there was a shadow behind the one that is showing...

    -SATO

  • Well.. Wow..  Touching.. I couldn't imagine losing my Mom or any really close family member for that matter...It's good that you are able to look back and remember that far and see it like it was just yesterday..  That alone keeps her alive in your heart. Me? Myself? I'm a crybaby when it comes to anyone parting or sad for that matter... Always been that way..

  • here's to your mama...because you got owned by her man!

  •     That was really beautiful Onigiriman.  Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.  Btw thanks for the tip on writing a paper.  We'll see how things go.  Cya

  • whoa, is giri back?? and just in time for the 20,000 visitor..

    yea, im not sure what id do if my mom/dad died.. but im still a kid, i think it would be really hard on me.

    i only knew 2 people that died in my family, and i never cried for them either. i wondered if something was wrong with me.. am i really a heartless human being? or maybey i mourn differently than others.? i miss them though, its not like i dont care.

    i sometimes think about who would come to my funeral, would it be sad? ah well.. i guess i hope people would at least notice my abscence.

    ...

  • I had an aunt that died of cancer not too long ago. I didn't know her very well, so it wasn't very shocking. She smoked a lot. Also, why be upset at yourself for lack of pain?

  • Very touching story.

  • LOL Thanks for using that word, SPLATT. My daughter gets grossed out by it. It's a big joke in our house. I say, SPLATT, and she says, Ewww. She sees the word and says Ewww.

  • Thank you for sharing that story, I found it very touching.  I enjoy learning about other people and their histories.  I dunno why, I just do.  Best wishes.

  • Stumbled upon your site, touched by your story.

    Sorrow is not forever, love is !

    Best wishes.

  • Nice story.  I don't know what it is about death. People don't all respond in the same way.  My dad died 20 years ago, but I don't think I've ever really "mourned" his death.  On very rare occasions, something will remind me of him (in a good way) and then I'll get all emotional.  These instances are very random too... like the last time was when I watched The Last Samurai.  Weird I say...

  • Haha...funny story...wish my mom was here...but both of them are in Japan/Korea/Philippines right now on vacation... (-___-)

  • That's a really cute story. I bet my mom would get along great with your mom too. ^-^ They have similar humors, teasing their children, eh?

    This entry has made me realize how precious parents are. I'm gonna give them a kiss on the cheek today! and every day hereafter. =)

  • i lost my aunt about 3 years ago...it hurt...i cried everytime i saw her...she died less than a week away from her birthday...they had the burrial the day before her birthday...i didn't go through a state of depression or mouning either...but it stil hurt...she had always been there

    that's just the thing..that makes it so sad...you never know what you have till you loose it...i miss herr

    i like your story at teh end...cheers everyone up...^^

    in the memory of your mother ^^

  • dont want to even think about it...its good that your mother loved you and you loved her back. this reminds me of my japanese grandmother, for all i know shes the only person thats never made fun of me (sarcastiaclly) or said anything bad about me, she was so nice. i miss her, and it really pisses me off that i couldnt be at her funeral because of SCHOOL. i didnt even get to see her since i was like 10. I miss her.

  • when my dad died of cancer, i was a freshman in high school. i didn't cry cept cuz i knew i was supposed, at least really cry about it until about 3 or 4 years later. Sometimes it just doesn't really hit you, and part of the mourning period if emotional shock, and the rational side of you tells you it's natural and it happens.  i think that it's a defensive mechanism that humans have to deal with problems (kinda like how ppl don't freak out while something's happening, but after it's all over they freak out?). 

    anyway just a thought.

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